#73: Dance Studio Favoritism? What Parents Should Do (and NOT Do)

Your child comes home crying after class—and as a parent, your first instinct is to fix it. But here’s the truth: the way you approach the situation can either support your child’s growth… or hold them back.

In this episode of Dance Colleges and Careers, Brittany Noltimier (studio owner, professional dancer, competition judge, and lifelong “studio kid”) shares how parents can navigate tough moments like casting disappointment, favoritism concerns, and front-row frustrations.

We’ll cover:

• Why comparing your child to others keeps them stuck
• How to handle “favorites” and front-row placement with perspective
• What guest choreographers are really looking for
• The #1 way to help your child move forward (hint: it’s not sending a nasty email)
• Better questions to ask your child when they’re upset after class

This episode is all about shifting from complaints to growth—so your dancer can thrive with confidence all year long.

✨ Mentioned: The Fame Academy launches October 2025. Join the inaugural class and help your dancer reach their full potential.

Transcript

Brittany Noltimier (00:00)

your child comes out of class crying as the parent, you're like, let me fix it for you, baby. I got this.

but let me teach you how to go about it in a way to actually get what you want.

there and welcome back to Dance Colleges and Careers. I'm your host, Brittany Noltimier and this is the podcast where we talk about all things dance, colleges and careers. Yes, today we are discussing how to get your way. That maybe sounds a little bad, but I'm just trying to get right to the point here.

It's the beginning of the school year and I see so many parents upset already about what's going on at their studio or in their theater company. And I am just here to help.

I grew up as a dance studio owner's kid. My mom still owns the studio after she's going into her 47th year. Isn't that amazing? Good job, mom. And I own a theater program here in Orlando, Florida, and we just had auditions this week. So not only do I have the perspective of owning my own company, but seeing it from a little kid all the way growing up in my mom's studio. But I...

group dancing, went to college dancing, and I became a professional dancer. And I still travel a lot with dance competitions, speaking with many different studio owners, parents, different studios from across the globe, from across the world. And I just want to make life a little bit easier for you.

This topic really popped up this week because my students had auditions and casting, but in the Facebook groups of the parents, I consistently see complaints about the same kids being in the front row, the same kids always being favorited. What can I do to help my child not come out of class crying? And that is very real. I'm not trying to downgrade that at all, but I also see a lot of...

Areas in there where I'm seeing mistakes. I'm like that I see the way they're talking about it and responding to it going that is not going to help you get your way. It's not going to help you get your way. You know, there's even a couple books in case I love just human development and understanding humans. And so there's the most famous book in the world other than the Bible. How to win friends and influence others while trying or something.

There's that book, How to Win Friends and Influence Others, where it teaches you a lot of how to get what you want, but in a good way. How to communicate with others to be able to help your baby, help support your child, and not piss everybody off along the way.

First off, I want to discuss comparisons, comparing each other. We compare ourselves to other family members. We compare ourselves to other people on the team. We compare ourselves as students to every other dancer at that studio. And I just got to say, stop. Stop it right now. Stop comparing yourself to others.

It's not getting you any further. And honestly, it's just holding you back. You need to stop looking around and saying, why is she doing this and I'm not? Why does she have this and I'm not? Why is she in the front row and I'm not? Okay. That is the wrong mentality to going into class, to going into anything. So while that is already the first thing I'm hearing coming out of your mouth and the first thing you're thinking right now, because, hey, I get it. We're jealous. We want to be where others are.

But that mindset is not getting you there. So first, stop comparing yourself to others. And we have to remember that competition is good. Competition is healthy. If somebody else in the room is better than you, learn from them. Don't tear them down. Don't complain and whine, well, why are they getting that part? Because they're better than you. And that's okay. I'm sure that you're better at something else than them.

weaknesses. on your team will probably be stronger than you. Some might be better at turns. Some might just have a better attitude. Okay, we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

So rather than comparing yourself and speaking down about people who are better than you, start to learn from them.

Because the only person who can let you get better or to hold you back is you. Yeah. see a lot of other complaints or questions about my studio's not giving me this, my studio's not giving me this, my studio's not giving me this. Well, what is your studio giving you? Obviously you've been there for years. Obviously there are things about it that you like, that you love. Nowhere is perfect. The grass is always greener on the other side.

So rather than complaining about how you're not getting these things, try to amplify what you already are getting or need to do some outsourcing or education outside of the classroom, that's great. That's encouraged actually. Sometimes a studio

Might get butthurt by this right I see these other posts where people are like I want to take classes elsewhere But my studio won't let me they're offended by it. Well, honestly, it probably has to do with how you present it to them Okay I'm not talking about every single studio. Obviously there are the exceptions But if you present something to your studio owner and you say we're not getting this here. So we're gonna go here to get it

You're not good enough at this, so we're going to go over here to get it. I don't think my child is growing in this area, so we're going to go over here to get it. How about opening up dialogue and really finding the root of the problem? Because again, I bet it's going to go back to how are we working in class? OK, more is not always better. Sometimes they need more. Sometimes they need to get more repetition. But if they don't know how to focus, how to

take class intelligently, then going to more classes is not going to change that. Changing their mindset will.

So that's the first thing, stop comparing yourself and let the competition around you help you thrive, help you succeed. And then there is the fact that sometimes you are the best in the room. Yeah. And then you're like, well, who do I look to? Luckily we have YouTube. Luckily we have social media. We have places there where you can learn new tricks on your own. That's like what we love doing at sleepovers. We would do dance competitions and we would learn new moves. Just, you know, we weren't on YouTube like the kids are now, but we would.

play and learn new tricks together and teach each other and get mad at each other because we weren't playing right and and it rocked. It was fun. It was awesome. if you are the best person in the room, you can look to others at competition now. Start following people who you go, they're really good. I wonder what they do. Follow them. Learn from them. That's how you'll get better. Rather than going to competition going

Hmm. she always wins and like not watching her watch her learn from her Look at what they're doing online often they'll people will post where they're going what they're doing. What are their resources? What are they getting that you're not getting and and it's Again, let's start with the mindset. It's not like well, they have all these opportunities I grew up in a small town y'all. I know a lot of you are as well

know opportunities are not equal because of financial reasons, because of distance, location, but what are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna continue griping and whining and saying, yeah, well, they live in the city, so they're just better than us.

Or are you going to have a change of heart, change of mindset? I know that that could be you too, because it's just a change of how we approach class and how we approach the day. So the other thing I wanted to discuss today was parents upset about kids not being in the front. OK. Or talking about favoritism. This is hard teachers are humans. So.

I'm sorry if your studio really has a lot of favorites, but as a studio owner's kid who was the strongest on my team, ⁓ yeah, I would be in the front sometimes, but often there were other times I wasn't. ⁓ But that was a small studio and we had about two choreographers at the time. if you're at a studio where different choreographers are coming in and setting choreography,

They don't know these kids like if it's your studio owner doing it. They don't know the ins and outs of every single choreography piece. So they are coming in, looking at the students in front of them, looking at how they are picking up choreography, how they ⁓ perform in class, because that will matter for a specific role. You can't put somebody front dead center who gives you no face. It doesn't work. Even if you have amazing technique, you can't be in the front like this.

You can be on the sides around. So when guest choreographers are coming in, they are looking at who's in front of them, who's reacting, who is feeding into what the teacher is giving them, because then the teacher will give that back. So rather than going straight for the attack.

want you to understand where some of this is coming from, because I bet at many of those studios, it's not as much favoritism as you see from the outside because your feelings are getting hurt. And I don't want you to get your feelings hurt. And I don't want your child to have their feelings hurt because of things that you that you just don't know sometimes

Dancer might be in the front a lot because they have multiple different choreographers coming in saying different things and it's not like all these guest Choreographers were chatting saying well, did you put her in the front? Well, then I'm not gonna do that. Did you put her in the front? They don't have time for that and they don't know the kids like your studio owner does so if you're at a smaller place and the studio owner choreographs every single piece and puts the same person in the front every single time So we got a few things here

either they use the same formations and it's just easier in class to always follow the same pattern or system like how you might do at your job. And because like they might not have the time because as a like a single studio owner, and I'm not saying that's right or that's good or that's okay. It's not, but it could be that they don't have the time to go back and

Adjust those formations where they don't have the time to do it. rather they would rather just get out the steps get out the material So it could be that reason the other yeah, it could be favoritism. Sorry if it is but the way to overcome that favoritism is to not whine and complain about it is to show up better try harder and Prove yourself more every single day rather than saying to somebody well, I don't I want to be in the front because Talking asking

does not move you up, does not move you to the front. Dancing personality, what you give in the classroom every day is what puts you there.

So the best way to get moved up in a routine, to get moved up to the front row is not by whining, by sending emails, it's by showing up and being better each week. Yeah, there is a level of communication, of course, rather than being so afraid to talk to anybody. It's good to talk and to ask questions, but questions in a way that is respectful to your teacher, to your studio owner.

ask them, anything we need to do or I need to work on with them to help them get out of that spot? Or is there a reason why so I can help boost her spirits? It could be a height thing. It could be that they're disengaged in class.

And being disengaged in class sometimes just means they're tired or hungry.

It could be that they gave attitude one day. Yeah, or it could be that they missed class.

So I think we like to jump to conclusions so much that it's the teacher, like teacher, why is my kid in this spot? It's not fair. We're paying to be here. teacher needs to put your child where they're going to succeed the most at the same time. You know, back in school and the teachers would put us in our desks and then they would move you if you weren't listening because you were next to somebody or if you didn't...

learn well from sitting in the back, maybe because you didn't have glasses or because you were, um, you would get distracted. I know for me, I liked learning in the second row. I still like learning in the second row. When I'm learning a dance I stand on the right side of the teacher in the right side, um, the, about the second row. That's my sweet spot. That's where I like to learn. That's where I know I pick up choreography the fastest. Maybe call me crazy,

But systems are important. It's good to observe and

Realize how you work and give into what works for you. So I'm sorry if I was offending you there. So I don't mean that if your child is in the back, that they're not listening, that they're not doing this, they're not doing this, but let's get to the root of it first. Before you go in and make a butt of yourself to the studio owner, check in with what your kid is doing first. Yeah.

Have they been to class or were they absent on really important choreography days? And you might be like, yeah, but we had to be gone. Stop with the excuses. I'm just trying to give you some information. If they were gone on a really important choreography day. Now it might be that they were gone and the teacher still wants to move the formation, but hasn't been able to get to that yet because either the kids don't.

know the movement, they don't know the choreography, it is on the to-do list but just hasn't happened yet. And the more the attitude becomes negative and it kind of becomes here, the longer they're gonna not move forward. So if they are in the back and they're working as hard as they can, their special moment will come. If they still have a good attitude, no matter where they're at in their formation,

their special moment will come. There is no doubt about it. There's no doubt in my mind that if they're always giving their fullest, it will come. It might not be today. They might have to prove themselves a little bit longer because this might be a change for them. Just even getting over things like body changes, ⁓ hormonal shifts, right? ⁓ Being in a class with a sibling, not being in a class with a sibling. There are changes, adjustments at the beginning of every year that again, just

Trust the process, respect the teacher and know that they're there to support you and see your child thrive. Some kids do not thrive in the front. Some kids get in their head, not kids, people, anybody. I already said I like the second row. Some people get in their head and make mistakes every time they go in the front and your teacher might know

your studio owner, your kids teachers know your child so well and they're always watching and observing how they learn and trying to put them in positions where they learn the best. You know why? Because it also makes the teacher's job easier and better because your kid is thriving more and engaged in class and excited, ready to learn, ready to sweat and get better every day.

now what not to do big no no do not send a nasty email Especially if this is like the first time you're ever communicating with the teacher about it that Do not send a nasty email it not only will it reflect poorly on you it'll reflect poorly on your child and Just think if somebody sends you a nasty email. Are you like? ⁓ yeah, okay? I'll do whatever you say. No, you're like that was rude

Please don't tell me how to do my job. Thanks but no thanks. Whether you're right or wrong, sending a nasty email does not get the message across correctly.

We said this first, but stop comparing. Stop your comparing yourself to others. And stop comparing yourself to other parents and other parents' kids because everybody's family situation is different and every child is different, every dynamic is different. So you're here for you and your child and your family's experience in that dance studio or in that theater room to get the best out of it for you and your family.

And then remember that your teachers are always watching the kids. They're watching their responsibility, attendance, their effort and attitude matters in every class, whether it's their favorite subject or their least favorite.

So I just encourage you to start asking your child better questions. When they come home frustrated, upset, crying, rather than saying, yeah, was that kid mean to you again? rather than giving into the negativity and being upset about it too because you don't like that kid's mom, switch the conversation, switch the topic, switch the reason because deep down reason why they're crying is not because of someone else. We don't cry because of someone else.

We cry because of how they make us feel, how we start to think about that insecurity about ourself and how that makes us sad. So get to the root of the problem

Take away the complaining about how she's mean to me, how this mom is not nice, how this person's doing that,

and take responsibility. Ask your child questions to complain about others, but to help themselves. Ask them positive things about class. Ask specific questions about what they did in class. And when they get frustrated and upset, switch the conversation. Try to understand why that makes them upset. If they say, well, I'm just bad at it. No.

We're not just bad at it. If we're bad at it, it means that we either need to work on some strengths to be able to achieve it on a more consistent level, or maybe we're not quite there yet, or we need to work our flexibility to be able to get there.

So we're not just bad at it and throwing it to the side. We're really trying to listen, to understand so we can help finding the root of the problem.

And so finally, I just want to remind you that being in class is a journey. It's a journey from the start to the finish. I will say this is why a lot of places don't like cameras in the studio or don't like parents to be watching because they see what happens right away and they assume the worst. They assume my child is not going to be in the front the whole time, even if this happened to me recently, we didn't have formations. I said spread out on the floor. They're old enough to know how to do that.

spread out on the floor, their child chose to stand in the back. I can't do anything about that in that scenario. Later on, when we move choreography, I'll eventually get to that moving people around. But if you're given the opportunity to step up and be brave and you choose not to, or if your child chooses not to,

that's OK. It's a part of the journey. but that's why sometimes it's better to have a closed room because parents automatically sees why is my kid in the back? Well, they chose to do that. Or maybe they like to learn in the back or maybe they're tired and hungry and want to go eat a snack and are looking for the closest way out. Or they got to go to the bathroom and they're looking for the closest way out to. OK, so stop assuming the worst. We're here to grow. We're here to learn. Your teachers

are there to watch you succeed or else they wouldn't be doing it. Believe me, they're probably not doing it for the paycheck. that's not why people become teachers. They're there because of their passion for what we do, At least for the most part.

So I encourage you to move forward with optimism, to move forward with positivity, and that is how you can support your child and help them thrive more today, tomorrow, and this whole year. you for being here on Dance Colleges and Careers. I am always happy to have you. Remember, the Fame Academy will be getting started this October. It's the inaugural year, 2025, and I invite you to be a part of this journey.

talk about what the judges are looking for, but we also dive deep into these mindset shifts to help your child really overcome their weaknesses.

start to see their full potential. until next time, be brave, tell your story and own the stage.